God is Love.

Faith brought me to my knees and peace wiped my tears that day. As I looked up, I saw life continuing on as I had left it— my babies enjoying their lunch, toys strung everywhere and an unfolded pile of laundry. Just like that, life continued. Weird.

The next six hours were a blur. I cried… a lot, and I prayed even more as I ventured north to my family. My heart was at war with itself. I believed with my entire being that Christian was no longer in chains and walking free. I knew he was whole and shameless— something he could only dream of feeling. Yet, selfishly, I wanted him here, still fighting. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. But are we ever? Are we ever ready to let a loved move on? I don’t think so.

No more guilt and shame. No longer afraid of the light, for he was the brightest star in so many lives. He fought long and tiring battles, but ultimately won the war— He was God’s Warrior and he was carried home where he will live in Love for the rest of eternity.

My mind drifted to dark places. Where was he when he took his last breath? Was anyone with him? Did he know? Was he scared? I still venture to this place from time to time. Some of these questions have been answered, others not… honestly, they’ll never be. And I’ve come to accept that. What holds me together is knowing when my brother opened his eyes and saw Our Savior. How incredible is that? Can you imagine??

For a long time, we played the blame game as a family. How easy it is to place blame or find fault when you’re hurting. Better yet, point the finger when you see someone you love hurting. “He wouldn’t be using if he didn’t hang out with them.” “He wouldn’t have relapsed if *fill in the blank*.” The truth is, Christian, and any addict for that matter, will make their own choices. No one can make an addict use. Nothing can force an addict to seek a high. It truly is their choice. Its gut wrenching to watch, but it’s the God’s honest truth.

“I couldn’t get in the door because of ME,”- Christian Young.

He knew. He knew he was his only obstacle. He spent years and years focusing blame on others. I believe he believed his excuses. “All I want is a house, my truck, a wife and kids.”This was his dream… and we wanted it for him, too! Its funny how we can interfere God’s purpose for us— as if trying to use our puzzle pieces to build someone else’s picture. I heard that analogy the other day and it resonated with me on so many levels.

Christian was trying to use his blessings to copy someone else’s (anyone else’s) purpose; he was unable to see how beautiful and powerful his was. If you knew Christian, you knew about Jesus. Period. If you knew Christian, you felt love. Period. He traveled from soul to soul, blessing them with the two most important things known to man— God and love. “God is love,” he said.