Grace

 As I’m sitting here, the pit of my stomach twists and turns as if riding a roller coaster. Come to think of it, that’s exactly what I am doing. Isn’t that what we’re all experiencing? The constant highs and lows of life?

For months I have struggled to find the words to say… or even the words to pray. My Bible has sat in the same spot for weeks, my faith stagnant and my hope lost. How is it one minute you’restanding on the highest mountain praising His Name and in the next, you’re in the lowest valley desperately seeking your voice? How can your faith go from unshakeable to questionable? 

I’m unsure how I got here? It’s funny and ironic really. That is the title of my very first entry: How did I get here? It almost fitting for my return blog! I remember feeling excited starting this adventure. You ever hear people say they feel “called” or “lead” to do something in life? I know I was meant to share in this journey. I was more than proud of what He was using me for until I found myself standing in the loneliest of valleys. The enemy made me feel shame. Isn’t that pathetic? I was embarrassed by opinions. I sought approval in the wrong the places… I tried to silence the voices in my head but instead I muted Him. At the time it felt easier to do things my way than His way… 

For months I have questioned what I would even write about. I felt a sense of emptiness as self-doubt echoed back at me. How can I share Your Word when I can barely receive it myself? How can I be an example of love when I’m not sure I love who I am in this moment? Where did I go wrong?

Nothing. That is what keeps coming to me- I have done nothing wrong. This is the painful reality of believers. I think there is a common misconception that because you believe, you will never feel pain, doubt or question Him. It is in these vulnerable pockets that enemy attacks.

I doubted what He was using me for. Like for real, God, why me? You seriously think I am strong enough for this? I am not qualified. There are no extra letters at the end of my name. Nothing that truly indicates that I am equipped for this. And because I believed this, shame crept in. Shame gripped my soul and it told me I was not good enough. Not a good enough daughter, sister, wife, mother or friend. My heart was at tug-of-war with my mind. My faith grew weary, and because of this, I started to lose sight on Him. I stopped putting Him first andwithout realizing it, I placed Him where I thought He fit. Shame makes you do this. You start hiding in the shadows, hoping He doesn’t see you, but in the same breath, you’re screaming for Him to save you.

I begged for God not to give up on me. I prayed to have my soul on fire again. In my heart I knew what I needed to do, but my mind was consumed- consumed by lies. Its funny (not really), looking back on it now, the answer was so clear. What I needed was the very thing I was running from- His Word. My Bible sat and collected dust while I ran in circles day in and day out begging and pleading for help. Maybe subconsciously I knew this? Maybe I knew what He would say to me… maybe my stubbornness and shame kept me from hearing it? 

What would I even write about? How can I speak on faith and seeking refuge when I have spent weeks running from Him? How can I be an example when I’m scratching and clawing at my own door? I thought my “come back blog” would continue to speak on addiction and healing, but it hit me (and hard) that maybe what others need to hear is this:

Mountains come with valleys. Nothing can be high without a low. And beautiful things are created out of ugly things. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you’re nicely put together 24/7. Or that your faith remains unshakeable. Being a Christian doesn’t exempt you from being a human- an imperfect one at that. Being a Christian means admitting through the tears and doubt, through the darkness and pain that you can’t be without HIM. Being a Christian means embracing your brokenness and knowing God only wants to meet you where you are… not where you’ve been and not where you’re going… just here.

Maybe God wants to remind me of His Grace. And that, my friend, is enough. The seasons that bear too much weight and cause you to self-doubt, find peace in His Grace. When you find yourself treading deep waters wondering how to get back on your boat, know His Grace is enough.

So, there it is, friends. True and honest words from my heart. This journey is tough. And maybe if you’re walking a similar path, one filled with doubt and questions, know you are so deeply loved- you are WORTHY of His purpose for YOU. I listened to an amazing podcast last week by Christine Cain (follow her, she’s incredible!). She explains that when you seek man’s approval, you’re ultimately seeking man’s rejection. Man cannot satisfy you the way God can. Fight for your faith. Allow Him to meet you where you are. And when prayers feel like an empty page, just say His Name. He knows… He always knows.