Bleeding heart.

The first overdose… when did it really happen? Christian hid his new way of life so well. Unless he let you in, you would never know. You wouldn’t have seen how he manipulated my parents against each other. You wouldn’t have seen the stealing and lying. You wouldn’t have seen the pattern of his highs and lows.

Instead, you would’ve seen a man with a heart bigger than this world. You would’ve seen a man who’s love for Kentucky basketball and Jesus was unmatched. He lived in the moment, always, and brought you there with him. And in these moments, he experienced true freedom. For that pocket of time, happiness cradled his soul like an infant— he was free and he’d do anything in his power to keep that feeling alive… no matter the cost.

3 am, phone rings. Before looking at the caller ID, I knew. Whoever it was, was calling for one reason- Christian.

“I found Christian in his truck sleeping. Can you let your parents know?” I felt sick. I immediately knew where this night was headed.

“Can you please call 911? He has a history of using. This doesn’t feel ok.”

This conversation seemed to last an eternity. They were convinced that Christian was perfectly fine and his loud snores were not, in fact, him gasping for air. In this person’s eyes, he was sleeping off, what they thought, was a drunken stupor. Who wouldn’t?

I didn’t blame them. Like I said, Christian was good at hiding his reality. But I knew. I knew time wasn’t on my side. “He’s going to hate me for this, Joe, but I’m calling.” Christian always said I overreacted and accused way too much. 

At 3:30 am from two states away, I called their local police station. I explained to a kind officer that my brother was sick and he needed help. Police were dispatched and there I sat… waiting for the verdict.

I stared at the floor then my watch, then the floor, then my watch… I poured my second cup of coffee and sat some more, this time focusing on my heartbeat that was so heavy, I felt it in my toes. “Please God,” I silently begged.

“Mrs. Ley, I am the responding officer. I wanted to update you on your brother. We found him. Within two minutes of us arriving we had to perform CPR. Narcan didn’t help, but chest compressions were initiated. We got him back. He’s ok and on his way to the hospital.”

I fell to my knees. “Thank you, Jesus,” was all I could mutter. I laid there and cried.

Ah Ha! My ah ha moment that God had been trying to show me for so many years. My heart started beating differently...  “I’m listening. Show me the way,” I prayed.

Hope and love shattered my walls that early morning. I saw what life might look like without him and I never wanted to go there again. I saw how broken Christian’s soul really was. He was willing to die just to have a small moment of “freedom” from his pain. His poor and weary soul. He was destroyed.