New hope.

I want to hate Christian’s ending here on earth. I really do. He was hardly 31 years old with so much life to live… so much love to give. My heart aches daily to hear his voice and the weight of his absence causes my soul to become breathless. I miss him. But who am I to determine it wasn’t his time? I grip my Faith as I continue to trust God’s plan. He gave Christian purpose and it was fulfilled. Do I believe He chose addiction for my brother? No. But I do believe God knew it would be the ultimate path he took and how it would end.

We all walk through this life with demons. If we didn’t, we’d be perfect. And, friend, perfect doesn’t exist. Some demons are worse than others and in my honest opinion, addiction is one of the worst to possess. Logic is at constant battle with desire— it’s a tug-of-war state of mind. How does one overcome this? There is not magic pill; no magic therapy; no magic rehab facility. There is only one way out— the addict.

Christian believed this disease was a choice… and while I don’t fully agree with him, I do believe at some point, a sober decision was made to try drugs. But the slippery slope that pulls an addict under is not a choice.

When you look out unto an open ocean, what do you see? Water that seems endless and shines as the sun beats down— its beautiful. Its surface sparkles as if inviting you in to free you of your burdens. But what waits for you underneath, what you can’t see with the naked eye, is a current ready to pull you under. Not every person who steps into the ocean will experience a strong enough current to take them down, just as not every person who tries drugs will struggle with addiction. Why? I don’t know.

There is so much more to learn about what causes addiction and how someone’s brain can become reprogrammed by a substance. I feel with my whole heart the first step is talking about it. There is a barrier between us and addiction; it’s called shame. I can’t and won’t speak for every addict, but I will be my brothers’ voice. Shame kept them prisoners in their bodies. For too long we accused and shamed them for hurting themselves and us as a family. We came at them as if they were enjoying their destructive actions. We were wrong.

Since becoming a mother, I now understand the everlasting and selfless love that you possess for your child. You would give your last breath if it meant saving them. Its not the type of love you walk away from…. I think this has helped me understand the severity of addiction. I watched my older brother walk away from his family, from his children… for a substance. It doesn’t make an addict weak. It confirms addiction’s strength.

So, what is our part in battling this disease with our loved ones? Again, I don’t know. We lack much power over this. My family has tried every traditional way to help my brothers. One is living on the streets… the other? In Heaven. In the end, it is up to them. But what we can control is how deeply we love them. Maybe it’s from afar? Maybe it’s through prayer? Maybe it’s walking through fire with them? There are countless ways to love an addict… and love them hard.

No person struggling with this disease should ever feel ashamed. They experience that enough on their own. Maybe if we show them their worth and fiercely love them, just maybe, they will see God through us? Maybe that will eventually be enough to remain sober?